Hole
by Gambitlover21
Summary: It's a look into Cannonball's head. Try it, you might like it.
1. Hole

Hey y'all! Decided to revise this Cannonball story from over 4 years ago! It's a bit of a POV from Sam. Bear with the fact that I wrote this based on a lot of the events from about 5 years ago in X-Men comics, some of which I barely remember now.

But give it a go if you enjoy Cannonball, and let me know what you think!


	2. Revised Story

So, bear with me. This is a story that I submitted, gosh, almost 4 years ago. I haven't written any fanfic since. I took a look back at some of my old stuff and decided to revise a lot of it. Enjoy if you're reading for the first time, and let me know if it's any better if you are re-reading it.

Set around the time of Civil War and after House of M. Keep in mind the events of X-Men around 4 years ago :)

* * *

He's not really sure that he's ever felt like this before. Like there's this huge hole in him that just swallows up everything he's known and held close.

Sam doesn't know how he made it to his room. He couldn't take it anymore,take them, trying so hard to cover up all the crap they deal with on a daily basis, pretending at least for a few minutes, it didn't exist. Not that he blamed them. Most days, he was more than happy to participate in the lie.

But not today.

Living in the lie seemed like an insult. To him, to his family and hell, even to the freaking world, no matter how melodramatic it seems.

He's on his knees, thankful that he managed to shut the door, to block the world from seeing this break in his mask. The others, they just don't know, don't understand. Not that they haven't gone through hell and back with their own problems, but Sam's, they're different.

The hole developed that first day he joined the X-Men. It wasn't something that he thought of at the time, but Sam grew up quickly. Too quickly, his mother says. He left his family behind, then his naivety. The world's a hell of a place when practically everyone hates and fears you.

The first time something fell into the hole was on M-Day. Melody. Smart, cheerful, bright Melody. She reminded Sam of Paige, her excitement that she received mutant powers. M-Day rolls around, and he feels a ridiculous relief that he is still powered, despite the fact that life would be much, much easier without them. Then, there was Melody's insistence that, no, she still could fly. God, if Hank hadn't been there, to catch her… It should have been him, Sam, the first of the Guthries to make the revered ranks of the X-Men, who led his family down this awful path of danger and pain.

He and Paige took her home, back to their mother. They didn't stay long. Jeb and Melody's looks were practically too much to bear. Thinly veiled resentment roiled in his old house that didn't feel much like home. Elizabeth and his mother tried to help, but loosed deep sighs of relief when Sam announced they were leaving.

The hole widened even more that day.

Jay, Josh, brother. Sam left home, left Jay, and all hell broke loose. The brother who came to the Institute was not the one who Sam remembered. And still, he did nothing. Nothing but follow orders.

Sam was off saving the fate of mutantkind, and he did nothing to save his own brother. Not the first time, nor the second or third. He never would have believed suicide of the Guthries, but there it was, laid out before him. Sam believed, because joining the X-Men was such a joyous occasion for the rest of the family, that Jay would find within himself a purpose. He couldn't see the decline, the slid into chaos that is so obvious to him now. Jay, even while he was alive, had no will to live.

Sam's sobbing now. He feels like he's going to be sick. He would hate for someone to see him now, breaking there on the ground, hands clenched into the carpet.

Oh God… Jay. Sam's sorry, but his sorrow won't bring his brother back.

The hole goes deeper.

Calling his mother with the news. Not being enough of a man to go down to comfort her, to say the words in person. Hearing her voice shatter, and curse the day that she ever sent any of her children to the Institute. Sam was quiet.

Paige and Lila are off, somewhere. He can hardly keep track of Paige and Lila is… distant. He doesn't know what they are anymore. Sam receives word from her, once or twice a month, and it's always brief. It's hard for him to care, when whenever he closes his eyes, he sees coffins of children, innocent children who never deserved the hate and prejudice that caused their deaths. Whenever he opens his eyes, he see Sentinels. He sees their internment camp. Whenever he reads the news, he finds more information about the superhero civil war. The good guys fighting the good guys, while the X-Men are pushed to the side, not really good guys, no matter how many times they save the world. It's difficult to feel concern over Lila when she's off traveling the universe, the only care as to where her next gig is. She clearly feels little concern for him.

It hurts, to have no one by his side, to be alone, forever the "new" recruit on a team of veterans. It galls Sam that feeling like an amateur is even still an issue, but it is something he notices every now and again. The way he is passed over in meetings, how no one ever asks for his advice, even though he's lead his team through hundreds of successful missions.

The hole is infinite, stretching across Sam's mind, encompassing all that makes up Sam, swallowing him whole.

The gut wrenching sobs have slowed. Tears trickle sedately down his face and Sam makes no move to wipe them away. He's sniffling like a child, and somehow feels it's appropriate.

Gambit left. Sam never really thought he would be that disturbed by the charismatic man's departure. But to have seen him, as Death… that look in his eyes that was the absence of emotion… it was the very opposite of what made up Remy LeBeau…

Once, Remy and Sam had gotten drunk, wasted, just the two of them. All sorts of topics of conversation had come up, but the one that struck such a chord in Sam was about family.

Remy had spoken of Antarctica, which was something of a blacklisted topic around the X-Men in the first place, as well as something that Sam had never fully understood the details of. Remy, in his round-about, somewhat veiled way of talking, expressed his happiness that the X-Men had taken him back, with them and their second chances. Remy belonged to a team, and was managing to atone for what he felt were his sins of the past. He had a family that accepted him again.

Well, becoming a Horseman of Apocalypse was a sure fire way to screw that up. But still, there was something that just bothered him about it, the way it happened, the way the whole Apocalypse thing went down.

The tears slowed, and then stopped.

The hole remained.

And the X-Men, his teammates and friends, were just sitting there eating dinner, like it was the most normal thing in the world, and Sam can't do it, not right now.

There was so much the X-Men needed to be doing right now. Or fixing. Where was Marrow, and Jubilee? Cecilia Reyes? They forced Dani out. Hell, they were keeping Mystique and Sabretooth around, and they went and found Lady Mastermind, but members of their own, X-Men, were left out to dry. What would Gambit think of his family now, deserting him in his time of need a second time?

Sam gets slowly to his feet. He shuffles, like an old man, over to the sink and splashes water onto his face. Glancing at the mirror, his eyes are red and puffy. His nose is running.

He knows what he'll do. He'll go to sleep. He'll wake up, and follow Rogue's, or Emma's orders. He won't look for Gambit, or Jubilee or Marrow. He won't call Lila or his mother. He'll joke, and tease, and be the typical Southern good 'ole boy, while people die. While people, his family, hurt. While the world goes to hell.

And the hole gets bigger.

* * *

Hope y'all liked it! I do love some constructive criticism. :)


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